Sunday, September 13, 2009

Special Update - Hilarious Fan Mail

I get hate mail. That's not a surprise - I'm a dick. But it's usually so inane that it's barely worth mentioning. It's certainly never worth a special update.

Until now.

Apparently, some Australian knuckle-dragger took issue with one of my reviews and took me to task for not owning a copy of a game that costs more than a used car. Also, he had some bad timing, because he wrote me when I was having a relatively crappy day. So to entertain myself (and you), I've decided to use this review site as a means to be unforgivably horrible to someone who has irritated me.

WARNING: There's some bad language to come. It's very creative bad language, but there's a pretty good amount of it. If you don't want to see some profanity, you should probably go read something else.

Still here? Good for you, you filth-minded bastich. Let's dive deep into what it looks like when I have a cranky day.

Here's the email that got it all started:

You reviewed the warcraft adventure game and said it was all runebound but done badly. Man you need to review Talisman by Games workshop. That was way better than Runeclown I mean Runeblood. And it had 10 customized expansions with it. If you are going to recommend a game from a genre like fantast/rpg then recommend the best one to play, not just one YOU like. Be objective dude and we will listen to you.

I admit that I was not in a particularly friendly mood, but let's be honest, if you're going to write me something this ignorant and tell me I'm not objective, you've got an ass-kicking coming. Sadly, this puddle-jumping Dundee ass-clown is too far away to get a standard beating. I may not be able to use sticks and stones, but I manage to make do with words. Here's my reply.

I haven't played Talisman, jackass, but thanks for writing.

Short and sweet, I think, with little room for ambiguity. Apparently, he had not read the rules. He appears to be under the mistaken assumption that he can tell me how to write my reviews, and have me reply with a polite, 'gosh, I'm sorry.' If I don't let Fantasy Flight tell me what to write, why would I let some dick weasel from Down Under write my reviews for me? I would not - but he didn't think that was very nice, so he wrote back.

Then play it before you recommend something else. Bigger Jackarse. No thanks for replying

First - is 'jackarse' an Australian thing? Do you say that when you ask people if their babies were eaten by dingoes? Who the hell says jackarse? And second, why is that capitalized? Hell, why are those two words their own sentence?

(I would like to point out that I did not copy this wrong. Apparently he was so overwrought that he forgot that last period.)

And while we're at it, do you have a copy of Talisman you wanted to send me? Because they're a tad hard to come by, especially if you want me to review First Edition. It's not like they're just going to send me out a review copy. It's out of print. While you're making unreasonable requests (and getting pissy about my reply when you do), why don't you ask me to review a Ferrari? Because again, you'll have to send it to me.

So this is where I make with the cussing. If you have tender ears, I recommend skipping past this part completely.

Fuck off. Like I have time to play every game on the planet. And while we're at it, if you don't like the reviews, don't fucking read them. I owe you two things - jack and shit. And I'm not sure about jack.

OK, I may have been a bit harsh. Not that he didn't deserve it, but I was a bit harsh. But seriously, you want to read my reviews and then get your shorts in a twist, and write me out of the blue and demand that I play 26-year-old board games that I can't even find on eBay? And you want me to be polite when I reply? You're not being remotely realistic. You are, however, entertaining me, especially with this hilarious reply:

That’s what ill do then idiot. I won’t read them. Ill make sure this reply goes in my blog on reviewers of which you have to be the dirt of the barrel. If you don’t want to receive emails about your reviews then TAKE DOWN THE STATEMENT THAT YOU WANT PEOPLE TO. And you’re right you don’t owe me anything. But I would rather be a jackarse than a dumbarse which is what you clearly are. Welcome to /ignore

(name of douchebag deleted)
(location) United Gaming Group
World Gamers Guild

I was going to leave the name of his group intact, but while I do so enjoy roasting the stupid, I don't want anyone burning down his house. Anonymity is important on the internet. It allows us to say things that would normally get us punched in the face. Like, if this buttface dingbat had said this to me in person, he might have been punched in the face.

Anyway, this just gets better and better. By now, I'm grinning ear to ear and laughing to myself at the horrible things I intend to say about this guy's ancestry and animal porn addictions. Like dirt of the barrel - is that another Ozzie thing? Bottom of the barrel - I know what that is. But dirt of the barrel? Vanna, can I buy a vowel?

I have to say, I'm so amused that he put his credentials in his email. He didn't before. He just wanted me to know how many people were going to hate me now. I suspect both of his cousins will take my site out of their RSS feed immediately. Because when I lose the support of a game group in the ass-end of noplace, I'm looking at the beginning of the end.

And I never said I didn't want to get these emails. I love getting these emails. I just can't understand why anyone would be dumb enough to send them. Honestly, stupid, you're about to be a laughingstock on four continents. You can welcome me to /ignore; I welcome you to the worldwide walk of shame. Here's me approving your application:

Ooh, you have credentials. I don't fucking care.

You're a glutton for punishment. If someone tells me to fuck off, I have the sense not to write them back.

And I love getting emails like this. I'm having a shitty day, and you're just making it better. I love telling retards they can stick their heads farther up their own asses and break 'em off at the neck. So stick your retard head farther up your ass and break it off at the neck, you slack-jawed semi-literate fuckwit.

You want me to play Talisman - you have a copy you're going to send me? I play the games I have. I can't play it if I don't own it, can I? But feel free to complain. God knows people who actually do something catch enough flak from lazy armchair-quarterback scabs. Don't write me and tell me I'm not objective because I haven't played whatever lame-ass game you love unless you're ready to live with the response. What the fuck did you think I was going to say? 'Hey, thanks for writing me and telling me how to do my job'? I've done this for ten years. You're not even the most obnoxious basement-dwelling cave nerd I've ever have the pleasure of berating. You're monkey league, dipshit. You caught me on a bad day, or I wouldn't even waste my time on you.

Please do publish this response. Publish all of them. While you're at it, get it tattooed on your forehead, so that when people get stuck in a conversation with you, they have something interesting to look at.

I cannot imagine getting a response like this and ever wanting to write back. Do you just not get enough abuse? Are you addicted to feeling bad about yourself? Because it's not like I can't find the time to call you names. It makes me happy. It gives me a warm feeling inside. And it helps me forget that I just quit smoking.

Apparently, he does not get enough abuse. Apparently, my new friend wanted more. So he wrote one more time (I guess he wasn't actually ignoring me that first time).

You’ve wasted 10 years giving bullshit advice like this? you call me a monkey leaguer? least I get paid to do what I do and I don’t care if your having a bad day or not. Don’t want criticism don’t write bullshit. And as for Talisman, if you’ve done this for as long as you say you have, you know the game came out in the 80’s and cost over 1000 bucks to buy now since it is a collector’s item. And your right, I’ll never respond to you you aren’t worth the energy it takes to send this . And it wasn’t meant as a berate it was a suggestion. And as for being a basement dwelling cave nerd? Who plays boardgames and gives a review of them? You do that’s who nuff said. I’m sure you get plenty of dates to discuss each game ..hahah. Typical american to go off and put down what you don’t understand. Thanks for reiterating exactly why the rest of the world think all of you are wankers. Put that in your semi-literate pipe and smoke it. Don’t bother responding again because it’s on block. Arsewhipe.

First point: When you type 'lol' after you say something you think is witty, not only do you look like an eighth grade girl with a new cell phone, but you kind of sound like you're doing that desperate laugh people get when they're trying to keep their blood pressure from blowing out a vein in their foreheads. And I think that's awesome.

Second point: I don't give advice. I say what I think of games. Why anyone would take my opinion of a board game as advice is beyond me, but I wouldn't recommend taking any of this too seriously (though it is obviously too late for our Down Under brother).

Third point: I think you may have hit the nail right on the head about Talisman. It's out of print, lackwit. It's not like I can just dial them up and ask for a copy. Your parents must be real proud, moron, because not only are you a self-entitled asshole, but you're dumber than a bag of cat farts.

Fourth point: If I'm not worth the energy required to send your reply, why did you? Do you just sit around with your thumb up your ass (probably scratching your ears) until you find a good reason to write something?

Fifth point: I think my new fan is a budding lyricist. I think he could send this line to Katy Perry, and she might make it into a really catchy pop song that she could perform in her underwear for ten thousand people:

'you do that's who nuff said.'

My God, man, you're making this too easy. If you're going to send me everything I need to embarrass you in public, at least make me work for it a little. Have some pride, for crying out loud.

Sixth point: Does anyone understand what he meant by 'putting down what I don't understand'? Do they teach this retarded pap in grade schools in Australia? I have friends from Australia, and they don't seem to be this developmentally disabled, so I think it's just my new rubber-helmeted cyber-stalker quoting lines from South Park.

Oh, by the way, fellow Americans - this new guy thinks you're all wankers. Sorry about that. Also, sorry for using a word as silly as wankers.

I think we've all learned a lesson here. Well, OK, I haven't - I intend to do everything pretty much the exact same way I've been doing it. And obviously our new friend (whose literacy deficiency is probably the result of being raised by koalas) has learned very little, including English. And you probably just learned that I'm not a very nice guy, but it's not like that would be a revelation. So maybe we haven't learned anything, and just had fun laughing at someone else.

That's enough for me.


Unknown said...

Holy crap, I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Some people just don't know when to man up and realize they've just been verbally bitch-slapped.

Also, I have a copy of Talisman, I bought it about a year ago and it cost me a whopping $25. And it kinda sucks.

Unknown said...

Well, that was an entertaining read. I feel I shouldn't be entertained from that, but I couldn't stop reading it.

Anonymous said...

Since when does Talisman cost $1000 or even $100? You can nab a copy from someone on BGG for a tad more than Runebound. I just received a mint second edition copy in trade for my old copy of Traders of Genoa.

djkubit said...

this dope actually brought up talisman. cmon bro. i have taken dumps that were more enjoyable than a session of talisman.

i hope the dope from down understands that you never get in a verbal battle with the country that invented yo mama jokes. you are only gonna lose stupid. wanker is all he gots son!!

whitestuff said...

Drake's flames indeed...

Matt Drake said...

UniHead, I must say, I've used your game aids so many times that you definitely get a 'don't make fun of that guy' pass for the rest of your life. I also happen to know that the guy right above you is also from the Land Down Under, and he's damned good people, too.

Sorry for the geographically inclined jokes, guys - if he had been Texan, there would have been cattle jokes. I have absolutely nothing against Australia. In fact, one day I want to visit.

Wind Lane said...

Matt Drake, starting international incidents through board game reviews since 1999. ;-)

Clay Hales said...

In the interest of foreign relations I will sincerely attempt to not be a wanker or "arsewhipe". Shouldn't it really be "an wanker", considering that it is from Oz? Also, whipe? I've heard arse before, but whipe?

mr k said...

I loved this. Thoroughly. As a fan of Drake's Flames and through reading your posts, I've come to the conclusion that you are married with children. If my guess is correct, then to answer our friend I'm quite sure you get loads of dates to discuss these games with.

Matt Drake said...

Your guess is correct, Al. I am married and have two teenage kids. The only dates I have now are with my wife of 15 years.

SoLove said...

Now that was an entertaining read for my shitty day. I'm going to head to Facebook now and start baiting my wife's family.

Yoricks bones said...

Congrats on quitting smoking, though. May I ask whether it is (or rather, whether you are) still holding out?

(This would be my approach to this matter, but then again, I have asthma and you don't - or do you?)

Anonymous said...

Man, he took you to the cleaners!!

- anonymous coward