Friday, June 5, 2009

Some Clarification - The Rules

A few things have happened recently that got me to thinking about how I do stuff at Drake's Flames. I think I'll share.

1) I got a new fan. A likable chap (and by 'likable' I mean 'he's a douchebag') named Shreveport Jimmy took issue with one of my review titles at BGG - and he chased it like a dog after a cat with raw steak stapled to its tail. I've seen dedicated people before. I've seen men who work eighty hours a week just because the job demands it, mothers who stand in line for three days to get their kids into the right schools, and gamers who can play for eighteen hours on nothing but Pocky and Mountain Dew. But I've never seen anyone as dedicated to looking like a complete jackass.

Good news, Jimbo - mission accomplished. You look like a complete jackass.

If you would like to meet my new friend Jim, you can run over to BGG and check out the review of Bombay. The conversation there is a delight, as long as you like to see a man foam at the mouth like a rabid panhandler.

The reason this is relevant is because my new BFF at BGG has promised that under no circumstances will he play any game I ever make. Since Feral Instinct is my first attempt at a game that doesn't involve a 200-page rulebook and reams of boring information about make-believe worlds, I fear I'm already down a fan - and I don't even have a game yet. Woe is me.

(Really, this isn't relevant, but when I'm over there, I do my best not to come right out and call people assholes. I kind of dance around it, but I try to stay in the lines. You may have noticed, there are no lines here. And I really wanted to call Shreveport Jimmy a douchebag.)

2) I got another new fan. Jose, who seems like he's probably a decent guy, disagreed with my last review and called me a whiner. I questioned his capability in the English language and suggested that he might be giving himself a close-up prostate exam, at which point he responded by telling me I might be a racist (like a Jeff Foxworthy joke - if you've got a shed full of napalm and cheap wooden crosses, you might be a racist) and then taking his ball and going home.

Look, I don't have many rules here. Well, OK, I really don't have any at all, they're more like guidelines. But if you're going to come to my playground and throw a mud pie, you gotta have a thick hide, because I keep a mud pie catapult behind the shed, all oiled up and ready to rumble. I love to play, but when I'm here, I play rough. I don't wear kid gloves when I'm here. Here I have grown-up gloves, and I fill them with sand.

However, I don't mean to chase anyone off. The only comments I'll ever delete are spam. You can cuss, you can call me names, you can question my lineage and mock my outright disdain for the rules of the English language. I'll respond in kind, but I won't tell you to leave, and I won't delete your crap. Even Jimmers, the Shreveport douche nozzle, is welcome to come and speak his piece. If you can handle the sarcastic insults I'll heap on your head like the lice you leave on your pillow, you can say anything you want. If you're good at it, I'll even laugh. I may even invite you to go out for beers.

3) I got exactly two review requests in the last month, and that's getting silly. Listen, kids, I write this thing so people will read it - and if all I'm reviewing is cheap pap I picked up at a garage sale, you're going to get bored and leave. And then I'm going to have a hard time getting free games. So what I need you to do is simple - tell me what games you want to hear about, so that I can write about them. Piece of cake, right? I try my best with every request. I reviewed Power Grid because it was requested. I reviewed Android after it was requested. I'm reviewing Wings of War next week - same reason. If you have a request, ask. I'll do my best to get the game, and if I do, I'll let you read all about it. And thanks to Dogstar Games, I'm able to get an awful lot of games that I couldn't get before. So do us both a favor and tell me what you want me to talk about. Also, tell me if you would like to see me end a sentence in a preposition (because, see, I just did).

4) There is no fourth thing. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

So here's the deal, just so we're all on the same page.

If you post in the comments section, it's not automatically open season. If you have a question, or request, or honest disagreement, you get to choose how I reply. If you're sincere and respectful, so am I. I welcome discussion, and will be as nice as I can be if you're as nice as you can be (unless 'as nice as you can be' is still a total dick). And if you're snarky and sarcastic, I won't be mad at all - but I'll also be snarky and sarcastic. Hellfire, what do you expect? Doctor Phil? I'm crassly opinionated. I'm not Oprah.

And make some requests. I want to write the reviews that you want to read, but to do that, you have to tell me what you want to read. I've got sources, and I can run down review copies like a New Orleans street performer after spare change.

And for the love of God, would someone please take the Feral Instinct playtest survey? It's been weeks! I'm starting to think you people don't love me!

28 comments:

Peer said...

Great piece as always. Thanks for pointing out the discussion, that guy was kind of weird... As are some people on BGG...
Anyway I would like you to review Space Alert and Duck Dealer.

Wind Lane said...

You shouldn't have opened the door, now people are going to start suggesting things they're passionate about that they believe get overlooked too often. :-)

So, with that, I'll ask for Fluxx, any version, Settlers of Catan, and maybe one of the old Rubik's games like Rubiks Tactoe or something older.

Bailz said...

My suggestions for future reviews are Wyatt Earp, Key Largo, and Eve.

For douchebags, maybe review Digging.

Matt Drake said...

Awesome! That's perfect! I'll request Space Alert next, and hit up publishers for these other games.

And I can't believe I haven't reviewed Settlers. That's overdue!

Bailz, Key Largo is right here:

http://drakesflames.blogspot.com/2008/10/board-game-review-key-largo.html

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see a review of Darkies In the Melon Patch, you fucking racist.

Bailz said...

Darkies in the Melon Patch! I've played that one and it's totally devoid of theme. Don't waste your time, Matt.

Bailz said...

I may have to get Key Largo, thanks for pointing out that you reviewed it already.
You need to review Pirate's Cove. I have it but have yet to get it on the table....

Matt Drake said...

Hey, if I'll review a game where you stab people for their heroin, I would review a game apparently created the local chapter of the Klan Kiddies. But it's been out of print since before my old man was born, so I'm not sure where I could run down a copy. Also, I'm not sure it actually exists.

Enrique said...

An overdue game is Tomb. I played that at Rychean's and it was a ton of fun. I suggest you get him to show it to you...the game that is.

Anonymous said...

Here's a copy for you, David Duke.

Matt Drake said...

Hmm. I'm actually still not entirely convinced that exists. I've never heard of that auction site, and the auction shows an opened game from 1935 (with the game pieces in a plastic bag - did they have a lot of Ziploc bags in 1935), and then says it's a new game. I'm skeptical at best.

But I'll tell you what. If you buy that game, you can send it to me, and I'll review it. Unless you're some kind of psycho. Then you can keep it. Maybe you can make a replacement board out of human skin or something.

I think I'm missing something on the racist thing, though. You're not another ESL reader, are you? Like you're from Guam or Puerto Rico or South Texas, and had to learn English so you could get through 2nd grade? I don't remember making any racist comments, and I'm pretty sure I'm not actually David Duke. I think he has more hair.

I'll see about getting Tomb. I've played it, but I don't have a copy. Heck, I'm going to try to get all of these.

Except that Melon game. That's gotta be a hoax.

Enrique said...

Another great you've overlooked is Epic Duels, and with the new version coming out...

Michael Norrish said...

How about a review of Mr. Jack?

Matt Drake said...

I don't have Mr. Jack any more, but the review I wrote for RPG.net is right here:

http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/13/13350.phtml

Jim said...

I think you should do a review of Battlestar Galactica by E-Mail. When it's finished.

Sharon said...

I'd like to see reviews of Coloretto, Dominion, and Pirate's Cove... mainly because I'd like to see if you agree with me or not. :)

oldpear said...

Wasabi, Agricola, Leonardo da Vinci. How about Axis and Allies or some of its newer variations?

Pete Miller said...

I am also curious about Wasabi.

Other Games I'm interested in:
Arkham Horror
Pandemic
Duel in the Dark
Settlers of Catan
Okko expansions - Yakuza I have but haven't played yet
Shadows over Camelot
1960: Making the President
Jamaica

Having kids myself I always appreciate hearing how your kids like the games.

Matt Drake said...

Wow! This is great! Thanks for all the requests (and feel free to keep 'em coming - I'm keeping track). I've already started begging for review copies.

jeffery said...

How about...

Betrayal at House on the Hill
Chrononauts
Monsters Menace America

I didn't see where you have reviewed those, and I would LOVE to read your thoughts on them both.

jeffery said...

...change that last comment...

I want to see your review of all THREE. Good-golly it's gonna be one of those days!

/sigh

Al The Pal said...

I was going to recommend a review of Pandemic also actually.

To Pete Miller, Shadows has been reviewed (unfortunately, it was somewhat unfavorable and I disagree, but that's another story). I do believe you can search it and read the review though.

I may have found a poor soul willing to play Feral Instinct with me. Not to mention that I've just printed 13 pages of paper so they better, because color ink isn't cheap.

Anonymous said...

Matt, keep up the great work. I typically find your responses to your critics funnier than the original reviews. Here's what I would like to see reviewed and why:

Call of Cthulu LCG - I have been on the fence on this for months
Dragon Lairds - a Tom Wham game that deserves more attention than it has received
Dust - I love world conquering games and need some incentive for my group to get this to the table
Khet - just freaking cool!
Neuroshima Hex - need some incentive to get this to the table as well
Felix (the cat in the sack) - this bombed with my wife and daughter and I need to know if it was just a bad day or the game sucks
Ave Caesar - I want this game to get more attention so we can see the expansions that were originally promised by Asmodee
Tales of the Arabian Nights - need to know about the upcoming rerelease. How does this game play?

Thanks

P_J_Keller

Peer said...

I just stumbled over Eve: Conquest from White Wolf. It seems like a good game (and also the type you might enjoy), but its quite expensive. And there are no reviews anyway. So that would be my first choice now :-)

Dr. Vector said...

I'm a n00b here but I'm loving your reviews. I'll second the requests for Axis & Allies and Khet--I'd like to know if either are worth dropping the dough on. Also, have you reviewed any/many Cheap Ass Games? I've seen them in the local comic shop and am curious about how they stack up. Yeah, they're cheap and I could just buy them and play them, but my time and money are limited and you're asking for review suggestions anyway.

Parduz said...

Hi, Matt!

I'm jumping in this (old) thing to suggest some games to review (in Bold font):

Starfight is a Print&Play game available as PDF at RpgNow or other PDF game sites.
It catch me for the theme and some "review" i've seen around, but i was disappointed so much from Starmada that i'd like to see a review from someone i trust more. Also i'd like to see it compared to the Good Ol' Silent Death... maybe you may find worthy to do a "star fighters" themed serie of reviews....

Thanks for you work here. I'm mostly a lurker but i always enjoy your articles (and if you think that i can't understand 1/3 of your jokes this is a good result! ;-) )

Anonymous said...

Just FYI, I stumbled across this blog, and I can indeed confirm that "Darkies in the Melon Patch" is a real game. I was going through an antique shop in Vicksburg, MS and saw one. In hindsight, I should have bought the thing (the price wasn't bad) but I couldn't believe my eyes.

I'd think it'd be the ultimate game to pull out when you really want to run off your mother-in-law ;) (Or the rest of your family and friends, for that matter, LOL!)

Elliott Broidy said...

Good to know!