Sunday, October 25, 2009

Special Update - They Call Her Dingus

Today was one of the best days I've had in a very long time. I had a great morning, great breakfast, my wife asked to play games with me, my kids go along - it was like the world was working in concert to make this a beautiful day. And to top it off, to put that cherry on the top of the whipped cream that was adorning my banana split of a day, I picked up a stalker.

I know there are a lot of people who wouldn't want a stalker, and if my stalker was a real hide-in-your-bushes, get-a-restraining-order stalker, I would probably not be all that delighted. But no, my stalker is an Internet stalker, and she hates me somethin' fierce. I adore Internet stalkers. To paraphrase Marv from Sin City, I love Internet stalkers. No matter what you do to them, you never feel bad.

(You may be wondering how I know my stalker is a woman. I know this because no man in his right mind would take this woman's user name. Also, someone called her 'ma'am', which sounds pretty girly to me.)

My new best target took some generalized offense to something at Board Game Geek, and decided her best course of action was to look up all my reviews and find something objectionable in each one. Sadly, she is a lazy stalker, and only found a handful. But what she lacked in quantity, she more than made up for in quality. Here's a lovely sampling (links first, then quotes):

OK, I loved her work so much, that's not a sampling, that's the whole collection. For those who don't really feel like digging through a bunch of lame jabberwocky, I've pulled some excerpts:

Dingus: "A rinky-dink website?" Have you explored it?

No, stupid. I make a regular habit of making completely unfounded claims about other people's work without ever having given it a glance.

Also, you'll notice that I put that the person's name is Dingus. This is not me mocking her. This is her actual user name. It's merely the happiest of coincidences that her user name is what I wanted to call her anyway.

Let's do it again, shall we? Why yes, I believe we shall.

Dingus Was Her Name-O: Maybe you should move on to one of the other websites. Here on BGG we like knowledgeable, thoughtful writing, not just spouted opinions that need to be corrected by responses (that get more thumbs than your posts, by the way!).

You know you're doing something right when some PMS avenger stalks you all over the place to tell you that your reviews are just opinions. Because where I come from, that's exactly what a review is - an opinion. Man, women like this are why men go gay.

Oh, sorry about pissing in your Wheaties. Were you eating that?

One more for the cheap seats.

Dingus MacDingus of Clan MacDingus: Basic respect and courtesy are crucial to discussions here, and are the norm.

I made a short list of things that are basically respectful and courteous, following the example set by Dingus (I never get tired of that name):

Speaking for the group without the consent of the group
Calling people unintelligent if you disagree with them
Mean-spirited sarcasm
Insults meant to be demeaning
Internet stalking

So, Dingus, welcome to the spotlight. Thanks for showing up, and seriously, thank you for spouting off like a retard. I know how much you like it when I call people retarded, so that one was special for you.


Wind Lane said...

Dang it, your reviews are always so good, now I want an internet stalker too!

bobby said...

it's not nice to call retarded people "retards." you're supposed to call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded :-)

Al the Pal said...

The analogy comparing Knizia's use of theme to little league mascots was easily the funniest thing I have read in October.

Anonymous said...

I thought this was going to be another outing story, but man this is just so much better,

Man I am oh so laughing as Dingus right now. this is Priceless, i so have to start writing more reviews over there, he he


Matt Drake said...

No, the outing story is tonight. This was just a special update.

Anonymous said...

Hey Matt,

Sorry if I ruined the stalker fun? I got red flagged at BGG for one of my comments, the pisser is I can not follow the number on the violation to see what one of my comments to her I got busted for.

I feel like I may have ruined the potential for a lot of fun for you, sorry!!!


Matt Drake said...

No, man, she ruined it for us. She turned us all in to the mods. I got a red flag, too.

Doesn't matter, really. As long as she doesn't wind up sitting outside my house, smoking filterless cigarettes and looking through my windows with binoculars, I don't care about her. I didn't know she even existed on Saturday, and if things go well, I won't see her again. She said she plans to just forget about me, and I think that would be best for all of us.

Well, maybe not for me, because I think having a stalker is totally bad-ass, but maybe for her. She should get more sleep anyway.