Friday, February 19, 2010

Rant - I'm Rude

It has come to my attention that some people find my writing style a little raw. I have had numerous people mention how offensive they find me, how wrong it is to make fun of disabled people, and how disgusting it is that I find considerable entertainment in women of low moral virtue. I have absolutely no intention of changing any of that, but I thought it might be nice to explain a little.

For starters, let's talk about retards. Right off the bat, as soon as I use the r-word, some of you cringe a little, especially when I actually come right out and say, 'retard,' as opposed to 'retarded kid' or 'people of diminished capacity.' And honestly, part of the fun is knowing that the shock value makes you a little uncomfortable. It's like you laugh, and then you feel guilty for laughing, and then you feel a little guilty for reading this website at all (that, or you don't ever come back, in which case you are probably not reading this right now).

That guilty laughter is the part of you that wants to desperately conform to society's standards of grace and etiquette being in direct conflict with the part of you that wants to find amusement in things that are objectively funny. You don't want to laugh because you don't want to upset some touchy-feely ACLU sub-group, but honestly, when a kid can't catch a football without letting it bounce off his head, that's funny. If the kid was the star quarterback, you would be in stitches.

Some people are offended simply by the word 'retarded'. Ironically, in 1975, that's just what you called 'em. Then we change it to be 'special', only now you can't tell people they're special, either. So now it's 'differently abled' or 'delayed,' and ten years from now, those will all be profanity, too. And they'll be profanity because, let's face it, they mean something bad. I'm not going to continue to update my lexicon just so that I can avoid damaging the finer sensibilities of lily-livered people who would rather lie to themselves and keep coming up with ways to say 'slow in the head.'

Also, there's a difference between mocking one retard and mocking retarded people as a group. The Ringer, where Johnny Knoxville competes in the Special Olympics, is like a two-hour retard joke - but it also made retarded people as a whole far more human, and presented them as individuals, each with different personalities and lives and senses of humor. If I see people picking on a kid because he's a potato-head, I'll be a Holy Avenger. I'll be the hammer of righteous retribution. There's a big difference between laughing at amusing behavior and outright cruelty. Saying that a game is stupid enough to be enjoyable by retarded kids is one thing; picking at one particular child is outright horrid. But it's just as dehumanizing to lump all retarded people under one untouchable umbrella of pity. They're people, and I'll laugh at anyone if they're funny.

In fact, when I was a kid, I had a retarded cousin. He knew damned well that he was funny, and he couldn't stand for people to pretend he was just like everyone else. He wanted to be treated like a person, not a disability. People who would pretend he could be president just pissed him off. He didn't want pity or false promises of a bright future. Compassion and understanding, sure, but never, ever pity. Sadly, he was also a dick, but that was just his personality, and had nothing to do with his basement-level IQ.

So as long as we've settled why I'm not going to quit making jokes about rubber helmets and sippy cups, let's move on to easy women. I like making references to dirty women because I like sex. This also goes back to the shock value amusement factor - you laugh, but you're not sure you should. And you don't think it's OK to discuss women who actually enjoy sex because somewhere along the way, someone taught you that sex was bad, and that women who liked it were possessed of no moral code. That's stupid. Women like sex. So do men. Men like women who like sex. Pretending that's not true is ridiculously immature.

Furthermore, just because I find easy women fascinating does not mean I spend a lot of time with them. I confess that I have known women who were prostitutes (though I never enjoyed their services), and I have likewise known several girls who were not the least bit opposed to one-night stands (I have also never had a one-night stand, though that's not for lack of trying in my rambunctious youth). However, I have been married more than 15 years now, and my days of easy women have long since passed (and were rather unimpressive in the first place). But just because I do not seek the company of loose women does not mean I don't find them fascinating. And given the popularity of shows like Cathouse, Real Sex and the entire booming porn industry, I don't think I'm the only one.

Basically, I would like for people to be more honest. You don't have to make fun of a retard to find the Special Olympics a little funny. You can still admire the ass on a hot dame in a tight dress without feeling the need to run over and grab her boobs. Drugs exist, and booze, and venereal disease and cancer and cerebral palsy. If my tasteless jokes make you even a little more willing to come to grips with the fact that life is not as sanitized as you might like it to be, that a clear mind can exist in a filthy world, then maybe you're a little better off. Hiding from the ugly truth does not make it go away. It just makes you less prepared to deal with reality when it crashes through your door. It might not be as comfortable as a cocoon of cultural sensitivity, but it's better than pretending that the entire world is as whitewashed as your own little suburban kitchen.

Plus it's funny. This isn't me laughing at my own jokes - I get a lot of feedback from people who laughed right out loud at some of my more raucous humor. And so if you're disgusted, angry, or offended, if you turn up your nose at my guttered mind and filthy mouth, if you wish I would just disappear and take all my toilet humor with me, then you can step right up and kiss my hairy ass.


Kenton Henry said...

Awesome. You are my favorite game reviewer ever.

Stewart said...

This post is retarded ;-)

Oh, and what Kenton said...

Urazoid said...

You're wierd, yet (or becouse) fair. Such posts make me feel i want to know more 'bout you (i'm straight by the way :)). You have tallent, and could write blogs about politics, that would look just as good as this one.
So a lot of people should be happy, that this partly rude, a bit rought guy reviews board games, not another political whores.
Well, i am happy for that :). And thus you read such stuff probably every week - Keep up the good boardgaming ))

Dave said...

You are awesome Matt. Don't change for anything sir!

Kevin E. Schlabach said...

It's kind of like Howard Stern or Rush Limbaugh... you have the right to change the channel folks!

You don't need to explain yourself. Either we like it, tolerate it, or move on.

Personally, I like your reviews.

Enrique said...

Anyone who calls a product what it is, even when it means losing sponsorship of one of the biggest, if not biggest boardgame companies is worth reading. You may be crass, but you have integrity in your reviews and will warn us fairly when a chick is really a transgender dude trying to get funny with you.

Keep up the honest reviews and show the shills how it's really done.

Corey L. Kliewer said...

You forgot to mention about midgets. You know midgets are pretty hilarious when you put a bunch of them together and force them to where pointy shoes the curl at the end.

Matt Drake said...

Corey, I believe I will have to start fitting midgets to my reviews whenever possible. And considering how small they are, I think I can fit quite a few.

fez said...

Come on Matt. I enjoy your reviews and your salty style. But the folks who object are not the ACLU. Quite the contrary, the ACLU fights for freedom of speech, and represents folks who are extremely un-P.C. --like Nazis and other such low forms of life. So no need to slam the ACLU in your defense.

Wind Lane said...

That might be what the ACLU started as, but now they're just some thug organization that gives a voice to any group not as big as those evil white people whether said group wants it or not.

Steerpike said...

I can't say I particularly noticed you being rude. Can you give an example?

Anonymous said...

Harsh Reality is what we use to call it, people want everything sugar coated these days, I find your stuff funny so screw the tards that don´t!

Anonymous said...

Drake, you're my personal hero. You tell it like it is, you use colourful terms to do so, and I absolutely love you for it, (in a completely heterosexual, buddy-in-the-army non-don't-ask-don't-tell kind of way).

I appreciate your attempt to try to explain yourself and how you see things, but realistically the fuktard puritans will never get you, and well, they can certainly just go back to pedophelia and have a coke and a smile.

Keep up the good work and good reviews, and remember that your humor is NOT tasteless...hookers taste like cigarettes and fish.


Colorcrayons said...

Funny thing while reading the rant is that I immediately thought of the word midget. Midget is apparently a derogatory term that midgets hate. They prefer to call themselves 'little people'.

Its the only term I know of where a certain sub group prefers a more derogatory term to what they dislike.

And then I scroll down to read comment s and have been beaten to the punch on the term midgets. The beauty is almost shakespearean "Get you gone, you dwarf; You minimus, of hind’ring knot-grass made; You bead, you acorn”. I think the terms is undersued as well and beleive you should slip it in (heh) whenever possible.